The sutures are off now, and it’s all up to me to keep it together, and heal.
For a lot of reasons, I feel much better now–both physically and inside. I guess unconciously I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen. For something to serve as a catalyst, not to change exactly, but to push me further and help me see myself better. Before, I felt like I was just going through the motions of being myself, if that makes any sense. Like this is what I do, so that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Not that I didn’t like how I was before. Nor as if anything has ever stopped me from doing anything unexpected of me. It’s more introspective. Blocking myself off from aspects of me I didn’t want to deal with. Now, I feel that I’m strong enough already to see my entirety, without leaving anything else out for my convenience. Like I can seriously look myself in the eye and tell myself if I had to that I’m a piece of shit… and I’ll be able to handle it. Would hurt if I needed to do that, of course. But I’ll manage.
In short, I guess what I’m trying to say is… I got tougher balls now! Pwera usog and yeah, pun intended.